Hi Mason- 7/20/2019

Someday you’ll see this-

I have letters but I know I’ll never loose this

And this one’s important

You just turned two years old

That’s a big mile stone

…

I just heard your voice for the first time in 66 days

Via FaceTime

It’s been 87 days since I’ve touched your skin though and have seen you in person

You’re all I ever think about though really

Every action I have now–

I think of you first

I used to least think I did

But mom was blind to some stuff

Having my head clear means I know

Every single action I have will be positive for you

I’m sorry it took me so long to figure stuff out

Mommy doctor was hurting her head

Really really really bad

And I didn’t even know at the time

…

If I could-

I would fly 2,000 miles to Washington every weekend and see you

That’s just not possible though

But someday

We won’t have to worry about that

Someday-

We will be together

But the best part-

You will remember me

And we will be best friends again

You’ve always been mine

Since the day you were born

But I know you’re to young to remember me

You didn’t remember me last time-

But I still had the time of my life visiting you

…

I remember every feature you had when Mom had you when you were younger

Some of my favorites were-

I would just rub your soft hair and we would just snuggle for hours so I would

Just look into your eyes

And just stare at you actually

Something I couldn’t forget is the touch of your skin-

I remember it very well

And the cute noises you’d make-

They would just make me so happy

Everything about you was (IS) perfect

…

I couldn’t believe how you’ve grown

You’re so-

Tall and “big” now

It’s been a little bit

And you just sprouted so quick

Wow-

Are you smart

You were blowing my mind with the words you were saying

How you’ve mentally grown up-

It makes me so proud because you’re such a smart little guy

But wow

If only I could be there

…

I’m proud of your Dad

He’s done a pretty damn good job

I’m so proud of you BOTH

…

Momma struggled for a while

I was a victim-

But now I’m a survivor

…

I always had hope I would get some custody at our settlement conference-

But now….

Mommy’s hope-

Shoot it’s past hope at this point in time

I believe we’ll be reunited soon buddy

I don’t want to get my hopes up

But moms had a 360°

I think “they’re” noticing

I hope so at least

You pushed me to be a better me-

I went and got more treatment for you

But the craziest thing now-

I’m not only doing it for you

I’m doing it for myself finally too

I’m learning how to be in control of my own head

And if feels AMAZING

You started this though

(And your dad making me do it for you)

You “fixed” your mom buddy

I wanna be alive-

As in not just taking it day by day though

I have-

Goals

Ambitions

Plans

And hope

…

See you soon my sweet boy

You Choked Down The Words That You Said

The words were spilling

Until one day-

You choked down the words that you said

The words disappeared

…

And lies started to flow

Saying I love you-

When you didn’t anymore

…

I think it’s just-

Malicious and Spiteful to do

But hey-

Damaging and hurtful

Is what you thought I was used to

So I get it

Just following the pattern

….

The pattern of lies

At the end of the day

….

I could’ve handled the truth sooner-

Would’ve loved that

Rather than you allowing me to keep shouting my word vomit to the damn wall

And allowing my stream of tears to flow and flow for someone who already had quit

I was desperate

And that-

You just didn’t even acknowledge

The truth would’ve saved me the embarrassment

I wanted something you simply didn’t anymore

…

I didn’t even know

I was looking to someone that was already gone

I should’ve known when you started to

choke down the words that you said

The words and you were gone–

Were gone for good

So simple- The Park

A commonplace to go with your child-

The park

It’s a simple thing for most

You can squeeze it in between errands or appointments?

…

For us-

It’s out of the ordinary

Unimaginable

Breathtaking

Just Priceless

…

I’ve never laughed

And smiled so much

Ever in my life-

While “simply” going to the park?

But wait-

To you it’s

“Just the park?”

…

It’s been 87 days

87 lustrous

Spring and summer days-

Since I’ve chased my sweet boy around and heard his captivating laugh

Not only was it been 87 days ago

It’s the first and only time

He’s been able to run around in front of me

Where did my baby go?

I know he’s grown

Into such a dexterous and perfected boy

I’m proud of who he’s become already

But damn

…

I thrive for the simple things

The simple things

I never thought I would have to grasp onto so hard

Because it’s all there is to grasp

The one time-

I have heard him laugh like no other

Laugh like-

Well I didn’t even know he could

His giggle and chuckle

So-

Just so

Ecstatic and illuminating

…

We will do the “simple” things someday

Like go to the park

And I will never

Ever

EVER

Take advantage of the “simple” things

…

NEXT YEAR MY MASON

What I Would’ve Done Different- Mason

What is like loosing your son?

Regrets

Wondering what I would’ve done different

Those first four months before I went to work-

I would have snuggled and snuggled and snuggled him

We did a lot but it would’ve been constant

Sun up to sun down

I would have read to him more-

Just so he could hear my voice

I talked with him so so much-

He was my best friend

But if I had know-

I would have not shut up

Talked sun up to sun down

I would have never let him take a nap outside of my arms

I would have fed every bottle and changed every diaper-

Asked for no help

The 12 am or 3 feeding Andrew did?

There would’ve never been one for him

Never any-

“I’ll do this one. You do that one.”

I would have done them and enjoyed every second

Every single second

Shoot-

I would have loved waking up in the middle of the night to feed him

I would have sang more to him

Even though I did it all the time-

I wouldn’t have stopped

Talking and singing would have been from-

Sun up to sun down

I would have taken more than the 3,000 pictures I have-

Who cares what I looked like?

I wish I had more the 3,000-

Especially together

Not enough Mason and Mommy pictures in the world would be enough

I would have taken him for more walks in the stroller

I would have not cared so much about stupid things that didn’t involve him

I would have stopped breast feeding right away

It’s an amazing and powerful thing woman can do-

But it restricted our connection because I resented it

I just didn’t feel comfortable

I thought I HAD to breast feed to be a good mom at first

“Breast is best”

NO-

“Fed I best”

I would have stared into his eyes more-

Those beautiful beautiful eyes

I would have taken care of my mental health sooner

I would have never said “Hey, I’m stopping at the commissary to get stuff for dinner. Will you watch him?”

He would have went everywhere with me

Absolutely everywhere

I would’ve had him next to me 24/7

No ifs and butts about it

I would have rocked him to bed every night

I don’t know why I didn’t

He just laid down so well as it was..

I would have never argued with his Dad while he was in the house

Ever ever ever

I gave him hundred of kisses a day-

But I would’ve had it been thousands

Of course he was always clean-

But I would have given him so many more baths to play

Just for the sole fact of having fun

He absolutely loved them

We would just kick and splash

And kick and splash

Until the bathroom and my clothes were soaked

Both of laughing so hard

…

We were happy but-

I would have soaked it in more

….

Since it wasn’t forced and it was out of choice-

I would never never ever went to work

Would’ve watched our spending more so I didn’t have to

And said “Do I even need this?” one million trillion times before I bought anything

All because I wish I stayed home with him all seven out of seven months

Not four (was working after four months)

….

My list right there?

That’s a short one

It can go on and on

…

I was a great mom

I was a strong mom

I was a LOVING MOM

…

I’m not sure even how much more I could’ve loved-

That’s how much love I had for my boy

If only I knew..

Our hearts were already exploding

I just would’ve made sure the “Boom” a little louder

…

Maybe I did love as much as I could

And that’s why it hurts so much now

Or maybe I could have made our explosions-

The largest blast you will ever seen

Wouldn’t have settled for the second largest blast

Only first

…

At the end of the day-

I loved him so much

That at the time I didn’t think I could love more

If only I did the things above

My regrets are-

Immense

Monumental

Catastrophic

…

Now when we’re together-

Our hearts

Will explode again

This time-

It’ll be the monumental

….

The future will be brighter

We never think we’re going to loose the ones close to us

Especially me

Power- Mine and Masons Future Together

How do you have all the power?

It’s scary knowing you’re in charge of our son’s future

You’ve made me nothing to him

…

My biggest question-

How are you in charge of My future?

Does that make you feel good?

To make me your puppet

…

You are my connection to him

What’s a blocked phone number going to do for me?

…

All that I want in the future-

Is for you to not have all the power

As simple as that

Listen to me and incorporate my ideas

They’re good ideas

Because I’m a great mom

Why is it so hard to me in?

Will it bruise your ego to much?

…

I want-

A voice

An opinion

To make decisions

Some power

…

I only want half

I want him equally

Both of us to have an option

Isn’t parenting working together?

50/50

One Year Later and What I Remember Most

A psychiatrist-

One of the two people who will help you the most (therapist and psychiatrist)

When you are mentally ill

Well-

Mine destroyed my life

“Get over it, move on.”

I’m trying

….

But it’s not as easy as it sounds

Imagine being stripped from your identity for a year

You’re a lilac

And then a weed

Not even a dandelion

….

No one looks at me the same

And..

I don’t know how to explain it

Without sounding crazy

But here it is-

I got a rush of energy that hasn’t went away

I felt alive

I still do though

That’s the thing

It wasn’t just a few minutes

I’m actually getting my life back

It was-

Lighter

My breath felt different

I could breath

…

Then-

I started getting a flashback about my baby

(Always do. PTSD trait. Borderline is from PTSD as a child, and it can get worse if life.. Well.. Goes to shit like mine. But it IS TREATABLE. IS.”)

And I woke up

Confused

Literally confused

I thought my blur was permanent

And I realized I had just woken up from a coma

Not a real one

But minus well have been

…

Another way to explain it-

I feel like I was held captive in a dark basement for a year

The man I was supposed to trust-

He’s a doctor

“Do no harm”

Added to my illness

More PTSD

I didn’t even know my body or brain could have any more

….

Well it couldn’t

So my brain blocked the memories-

Thankfully

There’s one time I don’t forget-

I don’t forget the magical visit to Washington-

I was finally seeing my boy

Finally

….

Touching, hearing and actually seeing Mason

Oh the memories-

Chasing him around the park

Him sitting on my lap and us playing with his new toy I bought him

Seeing his joys and what makes him smile

Hearing his giggle

Seeing his beautiful smile

In those moments-

I was the taking it all in

Memorizing that cute little giggle and shining smile he had

It made me illuminate

I’m proud of the boy he’s became today

Everything about him

Plus he gets his precious giggle and smile from his momma

You can see me in him

….

He may have forgotten me

He’s just a baby

But I didn’t forget him

….

And with my other person-

At that point she took me in so I could visit longer

She gave me more time with my boy

My Christina to my Meredith (Greys)

Masons Auntie

My absolute best friend

She is the only person who has taken the time to learn about me and my illness-

No one else has researched how my brain works

The only one-

Who’s forgiven me for my mistakes to let me prove to her my apologies for my wrong doing

I have done no wrong since then

A second chance-

That’s rare

She is the one person (that’s still in my life) that I’ve spent the most time with-

And just “us” and always will be

We’re just comfortable

So it was satisfying

….

Lexi-

So nice spending time with her family

Seeing her with her son

Well she’s an amazing mom

Makes me so excited to have Mason back

…

THOSE THREE-

Make me too happy to forget

Those three-

My favorites

….

Trauma and visiting Mason are the only things I can remember from the last year

Leaving again was trauma

“Goodbye baby. Momma loves you soooo much. She’ll miss you, but see you soon.”

I say soon-

Not knowing when I’ll hold his hand next

Oh my Mason

I could never forget you

…

This doctor-

He took my brain and turned it into a sealed vault of wishy-washey things

Memories and feelings

Mush

Weak

Spiritless

Tiresome

….

I’m awake now

I will be-

Illumining

Advocating

Improving

Significant

….

Since I’m awake now

I will be-

Fighting for my boy

That means fighting for myself

Finally KNOWING he will be healthy and safe, when he’s finally in my arms

I never thought he wouldn’t be

But his life is to precious to gamble

This doctor…

This was supposed to be MY YEAR

I had one year to get better

I was so ready

…

But I’m back

Mason-

Mommy’s coming

Mommy is coming

Chronic Feeling of Emptiness 4/28/2018

I didn’t know how to describe my pain

Sometimes I wouldn’t even describe it as pain

I feel nothing

I urge to not feel-

So empty

I don’t want to cry

Or smile

I just want to sit in the corner-

And be alone-

Alone with my empty soul

As I would sit there alone

I would have the urge-

Just to feel fucking normal

Is feeling normal too much to ask?